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Disclaimer - The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes for one-on-one
psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please
consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column first appeared in the Del Mar Times 8/6/2004.
Ask Dr. Ceren: It May Feel Like Love, But It's Called 'Transference' Awhile back I wrote you about my anger at my therapist because he looked like a slob, had bad breath and a messy office. You suggested that I may be picking on him for other reasons than the ones I complained about and that I may learn a lot by discussing this with him.
Well, I did. The session was the very best one I've had so far. I learned more about myself in this session than I did in all the months of therapy. He is a precious jewel. He wasn't angry at me for telling him, but glad because it opened up a lot of things for us to examine.
Now I am in love with him and I don't know what to do about it. He isn't handsome and actually much older than I am and he isn't buff, from what I could tell, but none of this matters to me now. I just love him and want to give myself to him completely. He has entered my mind and I now I want to give him my body. I don't think he knows how I feel and I'm afraid to tell him because maybe he'll reject me. You helped me the last time, please do it again.
Thank you.
A grateful reader It is good that you are learning much in therapy. Oftentimes when patients or clients feel understood by their therapist, they mistake the positive connection for love. The feeling you described is called "transference." This is a powerful feeling. That you were angry with your therapist before you told him, is a clear sign that the transference reaction had already taken place.
The strong sexual attraction to your therapist again points to a transference reaction and is quite common in therapy. In fact it is the focus of many psychoanalytic sessions in which the patient attributes both positive and negative feelings toward the analyst despite any specific evidence emanating from the analyst's behavior. The therapist may be viewed as a blank canvas on which the patient paints a portrait from his/her own perception of important figures in his/her life. This results in an intense learning situation.
Sometimes feelings are projected onto the doctor which have more to do with feelings about one's parents. This happens outside the realm of therapy as well. One can have trouble with authority figures because these figures remind one of parents with whom difficulties had never been resolved.
If your doctor has shown any real signals from his behavior such as touching or hugging, or asking you on a date that he is interested in you sexually--which is inappropriate and forbidden in a therapy situation as in other professional situations, it must be reported to the licensing board. It appears that this isn't the case.
The feelings you have occur frequently in therapy and although embarrassing should be discussed with your therapist. You can gain more from this. You should not run away from therapy with this him unless you have an admission from him of his sexual interest in you.
Sandra Levy Ceren, Ph.D. is a long time Del Mar psychologist specializing in relationships. To query, find resources: www.DrSandraLevyCeren.com
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