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Disclaimer - The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes for one-on-one
psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please
consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column first appeared in the Del Mar Times 9/24/2004.
Ask Dr. Ceren: The Unfaithful Husband And His Curious, Betrayed Wife My husband and I work at home and have separate office phone lines. While I was looking for postage stamps on his desk, his phone rang. The answering machine picked up and a woman left a message, "Honey, Liz here. I'll be late for our lunch date, but I have a special way to make it up to you."
At first I thought the woman was playing a practical joke, but then I looked at the calendar on his computer and the date with Liz at a hotel was marked. My suspicions were aroused and I went to the hotel to check it out. Sure enough, I observed them kissing in the lobby and holding hands in the restaurant. Liz looked like a sexy woman. She wore a low cut blouse and a mini skirt.
I was hurt and angry.
When my husband arrived home that evening, he reeked of perfume and had a bouquet of flowers for me. "For missing dinner," he said. I threw the flowers at him and told him I had overheard the phone message and had seen them together. He apologized and said the woman meant nothing to him and it was just a lark and he'd never do it again. He admitted the flowers were because he felt so guilty.
He is sterile and doesn't want kids. I've never complained about it. We have been married ten years. I don't need his financial support, and since I no longer trust him I am considering divorce, but I'm having a hard time making this move.
Also I've become obsessed about his sexual experience with this woman. I want to know all the details, but he refuses to discuss it. Should I demand to know or is my curiosity unhealthy?
Please advise.
M.R. It would be improper to offer advise about filing for divorce without knowing more details about your marriage. It is necessary to understand what is going on in your husband's inner life and in your life together. Your mate has not blamed you and has taken responsibility and has shown a tincture of guilt.
The reasons for infidelity are complex and differ for many people.
Infidelity may reflect a need to spark up a dull period in one's inner life coupled with an unexpected opportunity. He may feel unsuccessful in some area, perhaps in work and has to prove to himself that can be successful with a woman other than his wife.
Being sterile, he may feel he needs to prove that he is not impotent. We don't know if his infidelity is a habit that is likely to resurface, or a one-time experience.
In marriage, as in any committed relationship, one should expect exclusive sexual and emotional intimacy. It hurts to know your husband has betrayed your trust. If he has a history of betrayal, there is a great chance that this behavior will be difficult to change and may well resurface causing you continued emotional pain.
Very often, the offended mate is curious about the sexual aspects of the affair and will imagine all kinds of things and badger the offender to reveal details until it is received. Your curiosity may be satisfied, but then what you may learn may haunt you.
Offended mates compare themselves with the other woman or the other man and it may diminish one's self esteem. One patient said, " It is as though there are three of us in the bed."
It would be much better to focus on ways to improve your life together. Such a focus should help create greater intimacy between the two of you.
You need reassurance from your husband, and he needs to learn how to provide it, and to learn why he betrayed your trust to make amends in a way that will satisfy you.
Before considering divorce, it is important to gauge if your husband is inclined to repeat his infidelity. This may be determined in couple counseling which is strongly advised whenever infidelity is in the picture.
Sandra Levy Ceren, Ph.D is a long time Del Mar psychologist specializing in helping individuals, couples, and families. She invites your query and visit at www.DrSandraLevyCeren.com
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