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Ask Dr. Ceren: Wedding Plans Are Ruining My Life Our wedding date is set for early June, five months from now, but we’ve been planning it since we became engaged six months ago. I want a perfect wedding, but my fiancée thinks nothing can ever be perfect and we’ve been having arguments every time we talk about the big day. The stress is growing unbearable. His mother wants to invite every person she knows. Her list includes their large family including distant cousins from abroad, her neighbors, her old sorority sisters and about 100 assorted others. I have a smaller family and cannot exclude any relatives, but the wedding hall cannot accommodate the large number of people my future mother in law insists on inviting. My parents are paying for this wedding and are not wealthy. My fiancée’s family is very well off, but they have not offered to contribute to this huge wedding they demand to have in a more expensive hotel.
I prefer an elegant, but small wedding to include a few close friends and our families. At first he agreed, until his mother became so demanding. I want my husband-to-be to respect my feelings about this and stand up to his mother, but he refuses.
She is very overbearing and my mother is intimidated by her to such an extent that she wants to take out a second mortgage on their condo to help pay for this wedding. I don’t feel right about this.
My fiancee and I argue constantly about the wedding plans and I’m getting to feel this may be the start of a lifetime of arguments. Since this started, I suffer from headaches and don’t sleep well.
Please help.
Wedding plans are usually stressful when it should be the happiest time in your life. That is because you are busy trying to satisfy everyone and yourselves. Remember this is your wedding. The couple should agree on the arrangements. This should be a celebration for the union of two people planning an intimate life together, not necessarilya big overdrawn party for people who aren’t part of your intimate circle-if that is not your choice.
If your fiancee thinks his mother has a right to make her demands, you must work this out before your marriage. If he really thinks his mother is entitled to invite as many people she wants, then monetary considerations need to be addressed. Does he know your mother is planning on taking a second mortgage to pay for his lavish wedding? If you haven’t shared this detail with him, ask yourself why you haven’t. If you find it hard to do, it is time to seek pre-marital counseling as your level of intimacy may need to be cranked up some notches.
You must determine if he is intimidated by his mother or if he really believes she is entitled to make such demands. If he cannot bring himself to face the issue with her, you must assert yourself and tell her the elements you need to feel comfortable about the wedding arrangements. She may not be aware of your family’ s limited resources. There is no shame in not being wealthy. Presidential candidates seem to extol the virtue of their early lack of wealth. Consider, too that some very rich people do not realize that others in their social circle may not be able to afford what they can.
The problem you are having with your future mother in law, may be a portent of things to come, if you don’t nip it in the bud. You need to feel entitled to determine the wedding arrangements bearing in mind the cost to your parents. If your future mother in law suggests contributing a large sum to defray the cost for her large list of invitees, would that be agreeable to you? Or is your preference for a small wedding your personal choice having little to do with money?
Nothing is ever perfect. In that, your fiancee is correct. If we seek perfection it may be due to indefinable deep emotional longings which we don’t know how to satisfy. Things are always easier to control than feelings, so when we’re not sure what to do with our feelings, we often turn our attention to things. We begin to assume that if all the details are perfect, we will feel perfectly happy, even though when we stop to think about it, we know otherwise.
The stress you experience can be resolved by addressing it one-on-one with your future mother-in-law. Your husband-to-be should never be required to work out problems you may have with her. Taking sides between his mother and you is an inappropriate position for him.
Please write back to let our readers know how you resolved this situation.
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