Ask Dr. Ceren: Divorcing Mom With Custody Problems
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Dear Doctor Ceren,

I am a 37 year old mom in the middle of a lengthy child support custody revision and I just want to say thank you for insightful and wise article.

I had a question and I hope you can answer me. My ex and I priorities were so different. I sought out happiness and he only thought of making more money.

The mood disorder he suffers from also wasn't helping, and he wouldn't take his medicine. My ex has become quite famous so his talent sort of justified his abusive manners, in business and in his private life. Because of the legal battle he is pretending he wants to spend time with his son, which he parks for hours in front of the TV and Nintendo, unsupervised.

Now, how do I know my son's tantrums (he is 9) are not a genetic replica of his father's? When my son comes home from his father's he has terrible manners and sometimes cries and wonders away from me and the directions I ask him to do. It usually takes a day or two before he is back into the sweet and sweet boy I have raised.

Thank you for your advise and best luck with all your projects,

Sincerely,
Divorcing Mom

Dear Divorcing Mom,

I fully understand this difficult period in your life. Divorce is painful and disruptive. Living in an intimate relationship with a person suffering from a mental disorder, be it a mood disorder or other emotional problem is vexing. It destroys tranquility and creates chaos within the family. Raising children is also difficult especially given the above situation. While you are going through this it is hard to realize: "This too, shall pass."

I cannot say with certainty that your former husband's mood disorder is the cause of your son's tantrums. Your son may feel sad and scared as a result of his parents unhappiness and may see himself as the cause as is often the case in custody battles. He needs frequent reminders of how much you both love him.

You state your ex was diagnosed and treated for a mood disorder, but isn't taking medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. If you can prove it, which may be very difficult, it is an important matter to be considered in a custody hearing. You want your son in a safe environment. If your husband is judged dangerous due to his mental condition, that needs to be documented and addressed legally.

However, your former husband may behave quite differently while with his son than with you. It may well be that while with his father, your son watches TV and plays computer games, but this won't be ruled as exactly harmful. It may not be your way of being with your son, but it may be his father's style. You think your ex isn't interested in your son and that is why he parks him in front of those objects. If he isn't interested in his child, it is doubtful he would want to spend any time with him. As long as the boy isn't in harm's way, he should be allowed to spend time with an ill-mannered man, because that man is his father. Your negative opinion of his father will hurt your son if you share it with him.

If you haven't observed what goes on between them, you would assume your child tells you exactly how he spent time with his father. Kids exaggerate. "This is the worst day of my life because I couldn't play soccer." is an oft heard remark. "I spent the whole weekend doing homework." actually, it only felt like the worst day, or that the weekend was used up by homework when it may have been only a few hours.

To give you peace of mind regarding your son's psychological condition, you could have him evaluated. My guess is he a perfectly normal kid going through a rough time, but that's only a guess.

Your custody and child support issues can best be handled by a qualified professional, familiar with these matters I hope you have engaged a well recommended attorney specializing in family law, or a family mediation team, usually composed of a family practice attorney and a mental health professional trained in mediation. Mediation is often preferable because it does not take an adverserial position and attempts to be fair with both parties and with the children.

You may profit from supportive group therapy specially geared to those in the throes of your specific problems. I wish you and your family better times ahead.