Disclaimer - The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times.

Ask Dr. Ceren: "Why Can't I Make That Person Like Me?"
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

A plea frequently asked by people of all ages.

From a teen:

“I’ve tried everything. I found out his favorite cookies and baked them for him. I act friendly, but not too friendly. I have many friends, so I know I’m okay and there are other boys who show an interest in me, but this boy doesn’t. What can I do?”
Perhaps she tries too hard. Maybe the boy is interested in someone else, or he is shy or feels intimidated. Whatever his reason, she needs to understand that she is embarking on a journey that can lead her to further frustration, disappointment and feelings of rejection. She must learn that she can’t force anyone’s interest in her. It is not for her lack of effort. Having friends and other interested “suitors” is proof of her acceptability.

We cannot make everyone like us, or accept us. Everyone has their own set of values and preferences and some people may reject us because our style doesn’t appeal to them. They may have had a bad experience with someone of whom we remind them.

From an older couple:

“We’d like a good relationship with our daughter-in-law. We live in the same neighborhood. When we meet by accident, she appears friendly, but she rarely attends our small family events. Her absence hurts us especially during holidays and birthday celebrations. We don’t understand what we have done to provoke her rejection. We have shown her warmth, acceptance and have been generous. She has never acknowledged our gifts. Our son makes excuses for her absence. “She’s too busy with work. She had another engagement.” She has never called to apologize for her non-attendance. Our other children are friendly, successful professionals and have also experienced rejection from her.

“Our son goes to her family functions and visits to her friends out of state, but she will not visit our family a few streets away. Our home is well kept, comfortable and attractive, but not ostentatious. There is nothing shameful in our background. No family member is addicted to drugs or alcohol or smokes including the daughter in law. No dietary restrictions impede her attendance. When her parents are in town, they accept our dinner invitations, but she does not join us.”

Perhaps they have treated their daughter-in-law with more consideration than has her own family-which may be the source of the problem. Unconsciously, she may be playing out her hostility towards her husband, her siblings or her parents-- replacing them with her in-laws with whom she has not developed close ties. It is possible she may unfavorably compare her parents with her in-laws.

The questioning couple wanted to tell their daughter-in-law they are hurt by her rejection and ask if they have done something to cause it, but they were advised to first discuss their plan with their son. He urged them to leave her alone as she is very “temperamental.”

Having not consulted with the daughter-in-law, I cannot fully assess her psychological condition, but her behavior suggests she may have low self-esteem. Thus, she may doubt the sincerity of her in-laws. It is also possible that she may not be aware of her power to hurt them.

They have agreed that upon encountering her in the neighborhood, they would be cordial and say, “We missed you at John’s birthday party. Sorry you missed the fun.”

It is sad that some people, because of their history and experience may reject and hurt others because they represent those who have hurt them. If the daughter in law attends family therapy sessions, there may be a better chance for a rewarding family life.