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consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times.
Ask Dr. Ceren: Secret Lives - Internet Infidelity
Darlene, a forty-six year old architect was depressed and anxious. Her husband Don, a forty-three year old professor, the father of their three children had become cold and distant from the family, spending much of his time at home on the computer.
In an effort to drag him away, Darlene had scheduled several family outings--in the past of interest to Don, but he refused to participate. Angrily, she told him to move into the den with his mistress-Del, the computer. And so he did.
Don's detachment from her led Darlene to suspect he was having an affair. While he was at work, she checked his computer. Evidence from his e-mail showed he was involved with a woman he had met online who lived in another state. Darlene realized Don had disguised several trips as academic conferences to visit that woman. The discovery shattered her trust and eroded her already low self-esteem.
She confronted Don. His usual defense was a good offense, so he blamed her for their marital problems, citing as an example her invasion of his personal computer files.
Darlene offered to forgive his infidelity if he would agree to see a psychologist. For the sake of their children, Don agreed.
Don, a self-absorbed man, admitted to several affairs during his marriage--none as appealing as his current one. He claimed to be driven to infidelity out of a need for excitement. The thrill of secrecy and forbidden fruit (the current woman was also married) fueled his fancy and he didn't want to end the affair. In fact, he was considering divorcing Darlene and marrying Ellen, the current "dish of the day," whom he had known briefly, but intensely.
With the therapist, he examined and evaluated his choices.
Should he divorce Darlene, to marry Ellen, whom he knew for a few months and had seen less than a dozen times? In his mind, she was the ideal soul-mate. The psychologist reminded him that at one time Don had given Darlene the same designation.
Despite both Don and Ellen's respective histories of numerous liaisons with others, he thought their relationship was strong enough to deter them from further adulterous affairs. Gradually, he began to understand the difficulty in changing old habits. Could he sustain interest in Ellen? Could he continue to trust her?
When Don considered the effect of divorce on his finances and on his children, his choice became clearer.
Don decided to end his love affair and find new ways to generate excitement in his life-photography. Don agreed to spend more time with the children and less on the seductive computer. He moved back into the marital bedroom.
Six months later, Don reported a nagging interest to return to his old ways, but was trying to cope by avoiding the computer and preparing for a photographic exhibition.
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