Ask Dr. Ceren: Narcissistic Personality
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Dear Dr. Ceren,

For the past few months, I have been dating a young woman. In the beginning we talked about current events, movies and books. I thought she was intelligent and interesting. Lately, however, she talks only about herself and is disinterested in my opinions about things I’ve read or observed. She constantly asks me to tell her if she is the best looking date I’ve ever had, or how well I like her clothes. She raves about how much money she spends in special boutiques. She rants about people at work and how jealous they are of her. She tells me of her many former boyfriends and how much in love they still are with her. If I try to change the subject, she becomes enraged.. I am disappointed and am considering breaking up with her because of this, but I remember how nice she used to be. How can I stop her from continuing this unpleasant chatter, or is it impossible?

Dreamer in Del Mar

Dear DDM,

In the beginning of a relationship people are usually on their best behavior in an attempt to make a good impression. It may be the case with the woman you describe, or it could be that you did not recognize that you did the talking and she did the listening, Your description of her appears to be that of someone narcissistic.

Narcissism defines someone who is self-absorbed to the exclusion of others. According to the Greek myth, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection while observing it in a pool of water. He died, pining away for love of himself.

Narcissistic personalities are preoccupied with grandiose fantasies of unlimited success, beauty or power. They require relentless praise, admiration and attention, but do not feel responsible for reciprocity. Such people are unable to tolerate indifference or criticism and can easily respond with humiliation and rage. They seek validation of their own importance exaggerating their special achievements or their problems.

Such people make demanding companions and lovers and give little or nothing of themselves since they are unable to share. A mature friendship or love cannot blossom since imperfections in the self and significant others are intolerable. They can only be involved with those who admire them.

The roots of this condition may stem from narcissistic parents. Such parents see their children as extensions of themselves, not as separate entities. These children may not experience love, supportive nurturing and the self esteem that comes from individuation and meeting one’s own goals, thus they cannot express real pride in their own accomplishments, but substitute fantasy. Their own imperfections and weaknesses are too intolerable to confront. Unable to appreciate other people’s feelings or concerns, they expect special favors. It is as if they cannot see beyond their own noses, so they are not empathic with others. While they may have learned common courtesy and social graces, it is hollow.

Attempting to have a genuine relationship with such a person can lead to frustration. Thus, the life of a narcissist can often be empty and such a person may pine away in self-absorption.