Disclaimer - The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times.

Ask Dr. Ceren: Dealing With An Angry Child
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Dear Dr. Ceren,

I find your columns helpful especially the one about anger. I'd like some tips for parents of angry children.

Thank you.

* * *

Let's distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a temporary emotional feeling brought on by frustration. It may be a defense to avoid painful feelings related to failure, rejection or anxiety. It may be associated with depression, dependency and frustration.

Aggression is an attempt to express the feeling of anger by hurting someone or something. The child must learn acceptable ways to express anger from an understanding, compassionate parent, teacher or counselor. This is not always easy because a child's aggression frustrates and can even frighten us. We may have been taught that anger is bad and we may feel ashamed to express it ourselves, but our children may do it for us.

Here are a few tips:

1.Tell a child old enough to understand what is acceptable and pleasing. For example, to encourage and reinforce desirable behavior make statements such as:
"I like the way you came to dinner without being reminded."
"I appreciate how nicely you tidied your room."
"I like the way you put your toys away."
"It was so nice to see how polite you were to our visitor."
2.Ignore behavior that is inappropriate but tolerable. In other words, choose your battles wisely.

3.Provide physical outlets at home for children to let off steam.

4. Use closeness and touching. When a child seems ready to be aggressive, a calming adult nearby can curb it.

5. Manipulate the environment. Do not place children in tempting situations. Stop a problem activity.

6. Express interest in the child's activities. If you notice the child is ready to throw something, an adult may ask to see the object about to be thrown, thus averting the impulse.

7. Help the child understand the cause of a stressful situation. Once the child understands the cause of frustration he or she is more apt to respond appropriately.

8. Use rewards to reinforce desirable behavior. When behavior is rewarded, it stands a good chance to be maintained. "You did such a good job putting your toys away, I can see, you are ready to take care of that new game you want."

9. Set limits. Force yourself to say "no" and stick to it--a big problem for busy parents. If you aren't consistent, your child will continually manipulate you and in turn anger you. You must deal with your anger as well as your child's.

10. Tell the child you accept his angry feelings, but offer suggestions for expressing them. Verbalizing angry feelings offers a release. "Everyone feels angry from time to time, but we must learn to express it in ways that won't hurt others and turn them away from us."

11. These tips will aid in building a positive self-regard and develop a good self image. Show the child you value him or her.

12. Set the example. Be a good role model.