Ask Dr. Ceren: Coping With A Toddler
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Parents of toddlers have expectations for certain behaviors. When these expectations are not met, tension can arise. At around 18 months the child shows expanding capabilities and develops a new and powerful sense of self. She begins to assert her will. At that time parents start to implement rules of conduct and to teach the child self control, including bowel and bladder training.

Parents must determine what are appropriate socialization expectations for toddlers. And are their expectations realistic or too high or too low? Consider your child's temperament, stage of development. Talking with other parents can be reassuring. Recognize that if a parent frequently feels let down by a child's behavior, this may be a sign that parental expectations are unrealistic. It is important for parents to let children know what the family's expectations are and what the consequences will be if they are not met. For toddlers, keep the rules simple. State your expectations before beginning an activity so the child can focus on what to do instead of on what not to do. Recognize and praise good behavior and efforts.

Researchers have found that parents of toddlers exhibiting frequent defiance, prolonged tantrums, and physical aggression were able to change this behavior by using positive-reinforcement techniques. Every child will have an occasional bad day. If there are too many of these, a psychologist can help parents become more clear about whether they are demanding too much or too little of their toddler and can help parents to modify their teaching and discipline techniques if these do not seem to be motivating the child properly. Be particularly sensitive to your child's needs and seek parent counseling if your child is experiencing persistent problems that interrupt his or her interaction with other children, if your child shows signs of social withdrawal, an inability to focus attention, or is impulsive and unduly aggressive.

The American Psychological Association's (APA) Psychologists in Independent Practice provides the following Tips for Coping with Toddlers:

Remember that children need to be sufficiently mature to be able to conform to your expectations and that rushing them or pressing for "proper" behavior when children aren't developmentally ready can lead to frustration for everyone.

Set norms. Children need to learn to be more self-contained grown even if the l earning is accompanied by some tension. Keep the rules simple. Pick your battles and limit them to the most important things.

Remember that your child may need several trials before learning a new task. Be patient. Give prompts BEFORE the toddler will be engaging in an activity that is being learned (e.g., "Now remember to put your napkin in your lap when you sit down for dinner.").

Be a good role model. If you want a toddler/child to behave in certain ways, it is very important that parents also behave in these ways. Modeling is a large part of what children learn.

Acknowledge and reward good behavior and efforts, over and over again. Show the child how to comply and please you rather than scolding or punishing for unacceptable behavior (e.g., "How wonderful! You sat in the market cart for a long time while Daddy pushed it around, and you listened without crying when I told you that you could not have the candy. That was hard!").

Use resources. Remember that parents don't have to go it alone. Psychologists are frequently contacted to assist parents with common problems such as:

1. how to get a toddler to sleep through the night in his or her own room
2. how to get a child to be more flexible and to deal with shifts in focus
3. how to help the parents with child versus parental control issues