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consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times.
Ask Dr. Ceren: Choosing An Appropriate Marital Partner (Part 2 of 2)
What attributes should you seek in a mate?
Although we all have different preferences, expectations and attractions, there are essential ingredients we should find in a life partner:
This person should demonstrate emotional maturity, possess control of his/her emotions, have tolerance and affection towards you and others.
An ideal partner should have a variety of skills, such as social-communication skills, both with you and with others.
One must expect occasional conflicts along the way, but a good mate is respectful and has egalitarian viewpoints. These qualities will help negotiate differences as they arise. How conflicts are handled is vital to the continued enjoyment of the relationship.
Having a partner with similar interests can help you both to prioritize family goals.
A good partner should be responsible and have the ability to earn an adequate, steady income. You both must be in agreement in your determination of what is adequate.
The style in which finances are handled can present problems in a marriage. The partners must be in agreement in how much they spend and save. An extreme example is a union between a spendthrift and a tight-wad. It is easy to predict the eruption of conflicts.
Take an example of a woman who habitually spends more than what she can afford and builds a bad credit record. Her potential mate may see himself in the role of her savior. He thinks if he takes over her finances he will help her see the error of her ways. Attracted to him, she agrees, then later becomes resentful of his intrusion upon her irresponsibility. Or, she expects him to continually pay off her debts. At first he may do so, as a temporary measure, but when her habit does not change, the conflict deepens and they consult me. The lesson: Sharing similar styles around money is important.
Having effective problem-solving and conflict resolution skills will allow a couple to manage conflicts and resolve them. Healthy partners fight just like other couples, but unlike dysfunctional partners, they are able to come to a mutual resolution. The ability to resolve a conflict is crucial.
We know that for a relationship to last there must be more than a strong physical attraction, but when you are in the throes of a torrid romance, those wonderful feelings tend to obscure the exact keys to a great match. You are truly "madly-in-love." Unfortunately, too many people are guided by physical attraction. Although chemistry is one of the essential ingredients in a great relationship, it is not enough to sustain a long-term marriage.
An individual’s psychological fears and needs often give rise to foolish choices about potential partners. Unfortunately, many people do not distinguish between being "in love" and being in a good love relationship.
Trust is essential to any relationship, especially with your partner.
In all our decisions, we must be rational, but also take heed of our gut instincts.
The choice of a life-long partner is the most important decision you can make. If you choose well, you will have a safe confidant, a supporter, a lover, and a committed mate for life.
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