Ask Dr. Ceren: Choosing An Appropriate Marital Partner (Part 1 of 2)
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Society expects people to marry and despite evidence to the contrary, stresses the view that marriage brings fulfillment. This expectation motivates most single people to find a mate. Not too long ago, many singles preferred to keep secret their frustration in finding a mate. They did not want to appear "losers" or unattractive to the opposite sex. Fortunately this fear has almost evaporated since people are working longer hours and spending much time traveling for business. It is well known that many ambitious people have little time to attend the usual functions where one can meet others such as classes, dances, and parties church or synagogue gatherings.

They have come to rely on the Internet. Dating services have come into acceptable vogue. These services capitalize on the urgency of single people and some may charge large fees. Singles are willing to pay hoping the higher the price, the higher the caliber of singles they will meet. They equate high caliber’ with ability to pay for the service.

One patient told me the service informed her she was unlikely to meet a man because of her age and status as a single mother. It is true that single parents are handicapped by commitments to raising their children, but the agency failed to take into account that she is a gifted, extraordinary woman and a man much like herself may be very interested in her. She left feeling more frustrated and unhappy than before she had consulted the agency.

While it may be statistically true that it is harder for women over forty to meet eligible men, one should not give up on the urge to merge and thus accept this as an absolute truth. A patient in her sixties, whom I hadn’t seen in a few years, recently called. In an ecstatic voice, she announced she is in love and planning to marry a man a few years her junior. It can happen.

Many fine singles have difficulty finding a mate and worry they’ll be single forever. According to Dr. Ginger Blume, a Connecticut psychologist who treats many singles, the average single person will go on 100 dates and have three to ten "loves" before he or she marries. Blume says, "In general, with each new love, we tend to establish deeper and more realistic relationships, but despite these learning experiences, more than half of all marriages end and an even greater number of second marriages result in divorce.

Some researchers question whether any particular dating or premarital experience really helps us make a wiser choice for a mate. Psychological studies find the following factors helpful in making your choice: Similar social-economic, religious, ethnic and racial backgrounds of couples are somewhat beneficial, but not highly predictive of marital satisfaction. Dr. Blume suggests they merely make it easier for two people to agree on life goals, values, family expectations, etc.

My experience with couples suggests that good communication with each other, similar levels of commitment to making their marriage work, and the ability to trust each other are crucial factors. If we have developed good relations with our parents, we are more likely to have better marriages. Research suggests that women with warm, caring fathers tend to be attracted to trustworthy men. Women with cold, distant fathers tend to date less trustworthy men. Cold, inconsistent mothers tend to have sons who date more anxious women, causing relationship problems

It appears we seek partners similar to our parent of the opposite sex. Blume has found in her experience with couples that many tend to choose partners most like their mothers probably since the earliest and strongest relationship is most often with the mother.

My own experience with couples is similar. Additionally, I find that many choose mates most like the parent with whom they had the most conflict. Unconsciously they may hope to win over the mate in ways they could not do with the difficult parent. A new bonding, a new possibility, but ghosts of the past haunt a relationship.

If the interactions before marriage are largely argumentative, one must not assume it will change after marriage. No matter how attracted you are to a potential mate, do not allow physical attraction, or any one factor to determine your decision to marry. Do not believe your partner will change.

You must enter a marriage without any expectation that your mate will change for the better. If the shoe is attractive and goes with all your outfits, but it doesn't fit, it cannot be made to fit.

Self-awareness helps you decide on who is a proper partner for you. Checking out what you truly want, what is critical in your relationship can help you in the process of choosing an appropriate partner.

(to be continued)