Ask Dr. Ceren: Addicted To Unrequited Love
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

“Falling in love, is wonderful, wonderful, so they say.” “All you need is love.” Love songs abound in popular music. Love stories provide vicarious pleasure to readers worldwide and have existed through history.

Yes, the act of falling in love is truly wonderful. It is thrilling, memorable, powerful and spices up life. Love only works when feelings are shared.

Many people believe that love is curative; that a significant other can take away pain replacing it with joy, but that is simply not true. Such unrealistic expectation is bound to doom a relationship.

A needy person may not discern an appropriate potential mate and often will choose an unsuitable object of desire, someone not on their wave-length, but who satisfies some other criteria; perhaps makes a good trophy, or just someone to fill a void.

That is not love.

Falling for someone who does not fall for you is one of the many disappointments in life. When you learn that your attraction is not reciprocated, it is important to let go immediately. You cannot make the object of your desire change his/her feelings about you. Nor should the rejection stop you from moving on. Hanging on to what you hoped would be forthcoming is courting disaster.

When you feel you can’t let go, you are in trouble and should seek professional consultation. You need to learn to appreciate yourself as a single person. Being a couple is not for everyone. Especially if the recipient does not share your feelings. Looking for someone to fill a void is unhealthy and cannot bring you the joy you could find in a healthy relationship.

Underlying love addiction is a feeling of incompleteness that only another person can validate your existence. To make you whole. If you feel this, you need a psychological tune-up. You deserve to feel better. You also have tools to help yourself. You must step away from the person who causes you pain by not reciprocating your feelings. If your house was on fire, wouldn’t you get out-fast! Recognize the problem. You don’t have to deny your hurt. You can allow it to come and go. Don’t try to substitute with another substance such as alcohol. That is one of the worst things you can do. Get involved with others. Become active in things of interest to you. You may find keeping a diary is therapeutic. List positive things you’re planning to do to better your situation. Do them. Write down all your attributes. Study the list. What other qualities would you like for yourself? Plan to make them part of yourself. Doing charity work can lift your spirits.

If you are the recipient of unwanted attention, profession of affection, you are also in trouble. You must learn how to deal with such situations effectively, honestly, but not brutally. Sometimes in an effort to shield the unwanted suitor’s feelings, a person may be unduly kind which sends out the wrong message. It is important to be sensitive, not harsh, but honest: “You’re a good person, attractive---- (You fill in the blanks) but I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. I can’t explain exactly, it is just that I’m sure it is not right for me and you can’t convince me otherwise, so please don’t try because it will only make me angry. It is best for both of us if you don’t contact me again because it will be painful for both of us.”

When a suitor persists it can suggest underlying pathology and can spark serious consequences such as stalking. Such incidents require law enforcement intervention. Therefore it is best to nip such relationships in the bud. You can see them happening quite early: Immediate attachment, frequent phone calls, demand for attention, queries as to your comings and goings. Your response should be quick, curt: “This turns me off. Please don’t call me again. You have made more of this than is there.”