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- The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes
for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you
feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please
consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column
first appeared in the Del Mar Times 9/24/2004.
Ask
Dr. Ceren: The Unfaithful Husband And His Curious, Betrayed Wife My husband and I work at home and have separate
office phone lines. While I was looking for postage stamps on
his desk, his phone rang. The answering machine picked up and
a woman left a message, "Honey, Liz here. I'll be late for our
lunch date, but I have a special way to make it up to you."
At first I thought the woman was playing a practical
joke, but then I looked at the calendar on his computer and
the date with Liz at a hotel was marked. My suspicions were
aroused and I went to the hotel to check it out. Sure enough,
I observed them kissing in the lobby and holding hands in the
restaurant. Liz looked like a sexy woman. She wore a low cut
blouse and a mini skirt.
I was hurt and angry.
When my husband arrived home that evening, he
reeked of perfume and had a bouquet of flowers for me. "For
missing dinner," he said. I threw the flowers at him and told
him I had overheard the phone message and had seen them together.
He apologized and said the woman meant nothing to him and it
was just a lark and he'd never do it again. He admitted the
flowers were because he felt so guilty.
He is sterile and doesn't want kids. I've never
complained about it. We have been married ten years. I don't
need his financial support, and since I no longer trust him
I am considering divorce, but I'm having a hard time making
this move.
Also I've become obsessed about his sexual experience
with this woman. I want to know all the details, but he refuses
to discuss it. Should I demand to know or is my curiosity unhealthy?
Please advise.
M.R. It would be improper to offer advise about filing
for divorce without knowing more details about your marriage.
It is necessary to understand what is going on in your husband's
inner life and in your life together. Your mate has not blamed
you and has taken responsibility and has shown a tincture of guilt.
The reasons for infidelity are complex and differ
for many people.
Infidelity may reflect a need to spark up a dull
period in one's inner life coupled with an unexpected opportunity.
He may feel unsuccessful in some area, perhaps in work and has
to prove to himself that can be successful with a woman other
than his wife.
Being sterile, he may feel he needs to prove that
he is not impotent. We don't know if his infidelity is a habit
that is likely to resurface, or a one-time experience.
In marriage, as in any committed relationship,
one should expect exclusive sexual and emotional intimacy. It
hurts to know your husband has betrayed your trust. If he has
a history of betrayal, there is a great chance that this behavior
will be difficult to change and may well resurface causing you
continued emotional pain.
Very often, the offended mate is curious about
the sexual aspects of the affair and will imagine all kinds of
things and badger the offender to reveal details until it is received.
Your curiosity may be satisfied, but then what you may learn may
haunt you.
Offended mates compare themselves with the other
woman or the other man and it may diminish one's self esteem.
One patient said, " It is as though there are three of us in the
bed."
It would be much better to focus on ways to improve
your life together. Such a focus should help create greater intimacy
between the two of you.
You need reassurance from your husband, and he
needs to learn how to provide it, and to learn why he betrayed
your trust to make amends in a way that will satisfy you.
Before considering divorce, it is important to
gauge if your husband is inclined to repeat his infidelity. This
may be determined in couple counseling which is strongly advised
whenever infidelity is in the picture.
Sandra Levy Ceren, Ph.D is a long time Del Mar
psychologist specializing in helping individuals, couples, and
families. She invites your query and visit at www.DrSandraLevyCeren.com
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