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- The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes
for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you
feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please
consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column
first appeared in the Del Mar Times on 10/2/2004.
Ask
Dr. Ceren: Is My Husband A Potential Child Molester? I am a deeply religious woman holding on to
a terrible secret that has kept me away from intimacy with my
husband for many months. I make all sorts of excuses to avoid
getting close ever since the following incident happened:
One early morning, our four year old daughter
woke us up by jumping into our bed. I noticed my husband was
aroused. It worries me that he may be a pervert. I read a lot
about child sexual abuse in the newspapers and see many TV talk
shows where this is discussed. To avoid embarrassment, I made
an appointment for my daughter in another city to be examined
for sexual abuse at a counseling facility. She came out of the
interview smiling. The counselor who examined her said everything
was normal.
I was not satisfied and needed physical verification,
so I had a pediatrician exam her. The lady doctor found nothing
wrong. But I'm still upset. My husband probably has not abused
my girl, but he may want to, or else why would he be aroused
by her? I am disgusted by him. I am ashamed to talk to our pastor
or any professional in our neighborhood.
Please give me some direction.
Tonia To set your mind at ease, it is important that
you understand that the reason for your husband's erection may
have nothing to do with your daughter.
A change in posture during sleep may cause an
erection, as can mechanical movements especially in the morning.
Men have reported embarrassment over having erections during a
bumpy train ride--with no female in sight. These erections are
obviously not precipitated by the desire for a particular sex
object.
Men may have an average of two to three erections
during sleep when their minds and bodies are relaxed and when
unconscious phenomenon may easily arouse them.
It is well established that both sexes may become
sexually aroused by dreams, and have emissions during them.
Do you have any other reason to suspect your husband
of finding your child sexually attractive? Is she uncomfortable
with him? Does she avoid spending time alone with him? Does their
behavior appear strained when you are together as a family? Does
he take baths or showers with her? Have you seen him touch her
inappropriately?
If you've answered "no" to the above questions,
then you probably have little reason to suspect your husband of
potential child abuse. If, you answered "yes" to any of the above
questions, you should talk to a professional experienced with
child abuse.
Rest assured, professionals must keep your sessions
confidential. However, if child abuse is suspected from the information
you provide to a doctor, teacher, social worker, psychologist,
mental health worker, by law the suspected child abuse must be
reported to the local Child Protective Services agency in the
area where the abuse is suspected to have occurred.
If you are assured that your husband is not sexually
abusing your child, and you still lack desire for sexual intimacy
with him, you may choose to explore other reasons for your loss
of desire.
Sandra Levy Ceren, Ph.D is a long time Del Mar
psychologist helping individuals, families and couples. She invites
your query and visit at www.DrSandraLevyCeren.com |