News Paper Columns
| Disclaimer
- The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes
for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you
feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please
consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column
may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times.
Ask
Dr. Ceren: Are These Real Friends? AM I JUDGING MY FRIENDS TOO HARSHLY?
Not since childhood, have I experienced a situation like the
following:
Dina, a woman I knew long ago recently relocated to my area
and contacted me. She claimed she found it hard to make friends
here and valued me as someone special.
Later, Beth, another woman I had considered a friend mentioned
she was also friends with Dina and was attending her party the
next day.
I was shocked and hurt and decided to discontinue contact with
Dina.
About one month later, she called and asked to get together.
My husband said I was too sensitive and encouraged me to meet
her.
At lunch she mentioned she had recently been out of town, and
had wanted to visit her friend, but the friend said she was
having a party and didn't have time. Dina said she was hurt.
This gave me the chance to tell her that now she must know
how I felt when she hadn't invited me to her party.
She said she didn't mean to hurt me, but Beth had told her
that I didn't get along with Mary who always accompanies Beth.
Mary is usually rude, and few people care for her company, but
I have always treated her politely.
Mary and Beth may be jealous of my successful career. They
don't work, are supported by their husbands and they may have
more in common such as going to spas and fashion shows.
I am disappointed by their actions. My husband says I am too
sensitive and childish and should not make a big deal about
it. I'd like your professional opinion.
Joanne You
are entitled to your feelings. Your sensitivity in this situation
shows you are in touch with your feelings. You are justifiably
hurt because you did not expect hostile, thoughtless behavior
from mature women.
Bad behavior should not be tolerated, especially
from so called friends. Neither of these women are worthy of true
friendship because they do not appear to understand the qualities
that define friendship. Friends don't hurt friends. Both these
women hurt you. Dina by omitting you from her party, and Beth
by telling you about it.
Dina has not been truthful with you. She
said she valued you, but if that were so, she would have invited
you to her party. She could have mentioned the names of her other
guests, thus allowing you decide if you wanted to attend. Instead,
she has clearly shown she prefers Mary and Beth to you, thereby
proving the proverb," Birds of a feather flock together." You,
Joanne, could be pleased with yourself for not belonging to their
inconsiderate flock. Friends must share the same values and would
go out of their way to avoid hurting each other.
When Dina told you she had few friends,
she probably spoke the truth. She may spend time with people who
could be considered companions, but that does not make them friends.
Friendship requires honesty, loyalty and fidelity. These women
do not demonstrate these qualities.
It is possible that Dina made up the story
about her friend not inviting her to a party and her disappointment
to show you she knew how you felt and was sorry to have hurt you.
However, the deed is done and she must take responsibility. She
clearly wants to continue a relationship with you and admitted
she made a mistake, but her error in judgment comes with a price--the
loss of a valued friendship--yours, not hers, for you cannot value
a person who fails to understand the effect of her behavior on
others.
Please do not dwell on your hurt. Instead
put your energies into your work and nurturing yourself and your
real friends those with whom you share common values and interests.
Sandra Levy Ceren, Ph.D is a long time Del
Mar psychologist helping individuals, families and couples. She
invites queries and visits at www.DrSandraLevyCeren.com
|