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Dr. Ceren: Wedding Plans Are Ruining My Life Our wedding date is set for early June, five
months from now, but we’ve been planning it since we became
engaged six months ago. I want a perfect wedding, but my fiancée
thinks nothing can ever be perfect and we’ve been having arguments
every time we talk about the big day. The stress is growing
unbearable. His mother wants to invite every person she knows.
Her list includes their large family including distant cousins
from abroad, her neighbors, her old sorority sisters and about
100 assorted others. I have a smaller family and cannot exclude
any relatives, but the wedding hall cannot accommodate the large
number of people my future mother in law insists on inviting.
My parents are paying for this wedding and are not wealthy.
My fiancée’s family is very well off, but they have not offered
to contribute to this huge wedding they demand to have in a
more expensive hotel.
I prefer an elegant, but small wedding to include
a few close friends and our families. At first he agreed, until
his mother became so demanding. I want my husband-to-be to respect
my feelings about this and stand up to his mother, but he refuses.
She is very overbearing and my mother is intimidated
by her to such an extent that she wants to take out a second
mortgage on their condo to help pay for this wedding. I don’t
feel right about this.
My fiancee and I argue constantly about the
wedding plans and I’m getting to feel this may be the start
of a lifetime of arguments. Since this started, I suffer from
headaches and don’t sleep well.
Please help.
Wedding plans are usually stressful
when it should be the happiest time in your life. That is because
you are busy trying to satisfy everyone and yourselves. Remember
this is your wedding. The couple should agree on the arrangements.
This should be a celebration for the union of two people planning
an intimate life together, not necessarilya big overdrawn party
for people who aren’t part of your intimate circle-if that is
not your choice.
If your fiancee thinks his mother
has a right to make her demands, you must work this out before
your marriage. If he really thinks his mother is entitled to invite
as many people she wants, then monetary considerations need to
be addressed. Does he know your mother is planning on taking a
second mortgage to pay for his lavish wedding? If you haven’t
shared this detail with him, ask yourself why you haven’t. If
you find it hard to do, it is time to seek pre-marital counseling
as your level of intimacy may need to be cranked up some notches.
You must determine if he is intimidated
by his mother or if he really believes she is entitled to make
such demands. If he cannot bring himself to face the issue with
her, you must assert yourself and tell her the elements you need
to feel comfortable about the wedding arrangements. She may not
be aware of your family’ s limited resources. There is no shame
in not being wealthy. Presidential candidates seem to extol the
virtue of their early lack of wealth. Consider, too that some
very rich people do not realize that others in their social circle
may not be able to afford what they can.
The problem you are having with
your future mother in law, may be a portent of things to come,
if you don’t nip it in the bud. You need to feel entitled to determine
the wedding arrangements bearing in mind the cost to your parents.
If your future mother in law suggests contributing a large sum
to defray the cost for her large list of invitees, would that
be agreeable to you? Or is your preference for a small wedding
your personal choice having little to do with money?
Nothing is ever perfect. In that,
your fiancee is correct. If we seek perfection it may be due to
indefinable deep emotional longings which we don’t know how to
satisfy. Things are always easier to control than feelings, so
when we’re not sure what to do with our feelings, we often turn
our attention to things. We begin to assume that if all the details
are perfect, we will feel perfectly happy, even though when we
stop to think about it, we know otherwise.
The stress you experience can be
resolved by addressing it one-on-one with your future mother-in-law.
Your husband-to-be should never be required to work out problems
you may have with her. Taking sides between his mother and you
is an inappropriate position for him.
Please write back to let our readers
know how you resolved this situation.
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