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Ask
Dr. Ceren: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do With holidays approaching it is
an especially difficult time to terminate a relationship-especially
one that has been long term.
Reminders of joyful times gone
by shared with a spouse or significant other from whom you are
about to part is saddening.
Dwelling on those good times is
not helpful when you bid farewell. It is better to focus on planning
for the future and to examine your opportunities for growth.
As painful as it is, view the break-up
as a fresh opportunity to permit intense self examination. To
assess your strengths. To learn who you are and how you have functioned.
To discover new goals.
Yes, you will miss the companionship,
but you will be our own best companion. You may be alone, but
you aren’t lonely. You have yourself. And who are you?
Every relationship teaches you
something about yourself. Your choices define you. Why had you
chosen this particular person? What is his appeal? On the surface
you may still feel a strong physical attraction-perhaps at the
time of breaking up, even a stronger attraction. That is natural.
We always want more what we are about to lose or have already
lost
Had this person presented an assurance
of social acceptance? Were the economic advantages she represented,
a welcomed improvement in your circumstances?
These reasons may be what appeared
to motivate us toward our choice. However our decisions may have
been governed by unconscious motivations-- products of which we
are unaware. Once we understand our true motivations, we are in
a better position to make clearer choices.
Our early relationships with parents
or siblings may often play out in our mate selection. We tend
to choose partners who may remind us of important figures in our
growing up years. We expect our mate to behave towards us in the
way we are accustomed, but this may well be an unreal expectation
and we are disappointed.
We may unconsciously choose a partner
who reminds us of a significant figure with whom we have had difficulties.
We hope that this time, we’ll get it right. We’ll make the disapproving
father or cold mother (as played by the mate) treat us just the
way we would have liked our real parent to have treated us. Again,
we are in for probable disappointment.
When the relationship sours, it
may be hard to let go because we may feel we are losing part of
ourselves, so intricately woven into our very being is our significant
other. This may signify a failure to completely delineate ourselves.
We have grown accustomed to being Steve’s wife, Ellen’s husband,
the doctor’s wife, the lawyer’s husband. Do we know who we really
are and what we stand for?
Personal growth may necessitate
learning what went wrong in the relationship. What were the qualities
that attracted you to this person in the first place?
Learning your role in the cause
of the breakup is important. Was it a poor choice on your part,
or an inability to establish a workable style of communication,
or something deeper?
Introspection is not a luxury,
but a privilege. We spend too much time in the details of life
instead of getting to know ourselves better. What better time
to do so, then now?
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