Ask Dr. Ceren: The Power Of Words
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Many couples entering therapy define their problem as one of poor communication. Yet, at one time,this wasn't an issue. They fell in love, felt understood and appreciated and so they married.

Somehow, after years, a gradual erosion of communication occurred. They no longer show appreciation and affection to each other in a consistent manner and seldom have a kind word. Some are at the brink of divorce.

Early in marriage, couples may have experienced less stress, or they may have coped better. Later on, events occurred which weren't handled as well as possible. Perhaps one of the partners, frustrated at work, directed anger at a spouse or child when the real target may be a boss or co-worker. It is important to learn the source of one's anger and how best to deal with it, otherwise you are hurting the most important relationship--your family.

Words are powerful. They can hurt, they can soothe. "I love you." "I hate you."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me" is a sentence intended to placate children after they’ve experienced an episode of taunting. But when well intentioned adults say this to children, they are in error. Words can damage a person’s self esteem, especially when these words are heard often. The boy who grows up afraid to play sports as an adult because his father told him he was clumsy. Or the girl whose parents never complemented her. Whatever she did was never good enough. No one could have met her parents high standards. As an adult she may make impossible demands on herself and/or others, or may have given up on achieving.

Many people complain about the words their partners use to them. The words are not loving, thoughtful words, rather they indicate insensitivity, and at times hostility.

"You never take out the trash." "You never remember my birthday." "You always forget to shower after exercising? You stink." "We never go out to nice places."

‘Never’ and ‘Always’ are not words that make for good feelings between people because they are exaggerations and usually inaccurate. ‘Hardly ever’, may be a little better.

"You look fat in that shirt." Obviously is a statement made without considering the consequence. It is hurtful even though it may be true. It would be better to say, "Your Hawaiian shirt is more flattering."

We must learn to censor what we say. And if we make a mistake, which is likely, we can apologize. "That was hurtful and thoughtless of me. I’m sorry."

The words can’t be taken back, but at least you can acknowledge your concern for the recipient's feelings.

There is no better time to make some changes in your relationships than now.

Consider your impact on others.

Pay attention to how your words and actions affect others. Think about what you want to convey.

Observe and listen to how others respond to you.

Strengthen your psychological boundaries. That is, how you allow others to treat you.

Speak up BEFORE you become angry with the sender of a hurtful verbal message. "Oh my, that sounded like an insult -- how about rephrasing it so we can continue this conversation?"

Give no argument, no challenge, and no change in the tone of your voice when you speak. Your purpose is to allow the sender to understand that digs and wise-cracks are not acceptable to you.

If someone asks you rephrase a statement, don't react with an angry putdown. Stop, count to 10, calm down, reflect, and respond. Your response may include a statement denying your intention to insult (i.e. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to insult you -- what I really wanted to say is....").

Statements that imply the listener is wrong (i.e. "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "Stop being so sensitive!" or even, "get over it") lack responsibility and maturity and will only serve to intensify the problem or conflict. Remain clear on your ultimate intent---to communicate; not humilate.

Attend to emotional cues; listen to words that are spoken, as well as those left unsaid. Learn how to show sensitivity and understanding to the needs and feelings of others. Because words do hurt, we must choose them very, very carefully.