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Dr. Ceren: Pornography Dear Dr. Ceren,
Until recently, I was a happily married
woman and I had no idea my husband wasn't satisfied with me. During
the week, he went to bed after I was asleep, but he told me he
had to stay up late to work on the computer for his job. Then
I accidentally found out that my husband has been wasting the
time we could be together by visiting pornographic websites instead.
The graphic pictures are disgusting. I've lost respect for him
and feel betrayed. My husband is very friendly with our pastor.
I've considered asking him to speak with my husband, but I'm ashamed.
Please advise.
C.J.
Dear C.J., Many people receive e-mail messages inviting them to visit websites. Some click on out of curiosity and find they are viewing pornography. Visiting a pornographic website does not mean your husband has betrayed you, nor does it mean that he isn't satisified with you. He is not engaging in sex with the women on the website. They are only fantasy images, not a real person with whom he is having a real love affair. He has chosen to be married to you, not to a woman on the screen-and you did write that you were happily married. Before deciding to meet with the pastor, if you haven't already done so, I encourage you to frankly discuss your concerns directly with your husband. He should decide if he is willing to discuss it with the pastor with whom he has a friendship, if nothing more than to appease you. Perhaps your husband will be able to reassure you that he doesn't consider viewing pornography the equivalent of infidelity. If he is unable reassure you, perhaps there may be other problems that need to be addressed. It is possible you may be harboring a long standing insecurity. Please consider that very few women can match the enhanced computer images on the screen. There are many questions this column can't answer without additional personal information. Are the images that disgust you those depicting sado-masochistic poses? Are women injured? If so, it may mean your husband has a deeper problem than if he were viewing "normal" sexual activities. Pornography viewed by consenting couples may be used to stimulate and enhance their sexual experience together. In fact, professionals trained in the field of sexual dysfunction sometimes recommend sexually explicit films to couples with low sexual desire. Ask yourself if your husband gratifies you sexually, and in other ways. Is he caring and affectionate? Perhaps he can only perform while alone. If either or both of you are sexually inhibited or have unequal or unusual sexual desires, you may consider visiting a professional trained in the area of sexual dysfunction. |