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- The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes
for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you
feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please
consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column
may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times.
Ask
Dr. Ceren: "I'm Sorry To Hear That." These five little words may save a relationship.
Recently, a patient, frustrated by his partner’s chronic litany
of complaints considered terminating their relationship. “She’s
no fun to be around. She’s always complaining about her co-workers,
her family, her neighbors, her health. It doesn’t end. I try to
help her, tell her how to fix it, but she always has an excuse
for why my suggestions wouldn’t work. I can’t stand it anymore.
I can’t go on this way.”
“Maybe all she wants is a bit of sympathy,”
I said. “When she complains, don’t offer a solution, just say,
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’”
“I doubt those words would satisfy her,”
he said.
“It may be worth a try. After, all, you’ve
told me of her many fine qualities.”
He agreed to follow my suggestion and “I’m
sorry to hear that” would become his mantra.
At the next session, only one week later,
the patient arrived beaming. “It worked! I had to say ‘I’m sorry
to hear that,’ many times, but she finally stopped ranting. I
know it will start again, and I’ll just continue with it. She’s
worth it. No one is perfect.”
He probably will have to continue his mantra
until she realizes he sincerely cares for her and is truly sorry
to hear her complaints. Given adequate time and his tenderness,
her chronic complaints may be extinguished. The power of love
may help lessen her complaints.
Not all complainers seek only sympathy.
Some may actually welcome solutions to a problem. It is helpful
to ask, “Would you like me to offer a suggestion?” If you receive
an affirmative response, but are confronted with many, “Yes, buts,”
it’s time to implement, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Relationships aren’t perfect. Sometimes
we may wonder how certain people can tolerate the poor behavior
of an intimate other. Perhaps they are afraid to be alone. A subject
for another column.
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