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Dr. Ceren: Granny At Wit's End Over Inconsiderate Family Dear Dr. Ceren,
My son and daughter and law and
their four year old daughter are visiting me this summer. You
would think I’d be overjoyed, and I could be if they were considerate
of me.
They allow Chrisie to bounce on
the furniture, pull food from the pantry and spill it on the floor,
leave a messy trail wherever she goes in the house and garden.
Chrisie is completely undisciplined.
When I ask her to be more careful with food and not jump on the
furniture, she sticks out her tongue at me and calls me Granny
Poo-Poo. My son and his wife think it is hilarious, but I don’t.
They have come across the country
to stay with me. I have been widowed for ten years. I raised my
son in this home. He behaves as if he were still a little boy
in our family home with no responsibilites for picking up after
himself and his family. My housekeeper comes once a week and I
don’t have the energy to clean up after the family. They do not
lift a finger to help.
I am at my wit's end. Please advise.
Granny P.
Dear Granny, Please accept the fact and always remember that you are entitled to be treated respectfully. The best way to get others to listen to you is you use words that don’t show blame. Take ownership for your feelings: "It makes me nervous to watch Chrisie bounce on furniture. I’m afraid she will get hurt. There are better outlets for her energy." You can find listings of events for children Chrisie's age in your local newspaper. Such events are at libraries, parks, recreation or community centers. Provide this information to them along with maps to these places. Tell Chrisie that this is Granny’s house and Granny has rules. One rule is no bouncing on furniture. Another is no calling you bad names. That is rude and you want your grandaughter to be polite. You also have a rule that she must ask permission to remove food from the pantry, and she must sit at the table while eating. You must show that you expect your family to help. Perhaps they don’t volunteer because they think you enjoy taking care of them. "Chrisie, shall I show you how to set the table?" "Who'll make the salad tonight?" "Son, please start the barbecue in five minutes?" To daughter-in-law: "I’d appreciate it if you’d clean up after dinner tonight." "Chrisie, please ask one of your parents to help you clean up your mess now." "Please put your linens in the washing machine. I’ll show you how to use it." Or you can say: "I’m pleased that you choose to visit me on your vacation. I am not used to having a high energy child here. It is hard for me to watch her run around the house pulling food from the pantry and leaving messes Kindly pick up after yourselves." However you say it, always remember that you are entitled to be treated respectfully. |