News Paper Columns

Disclaimer - The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times.

Ask Dr. Ceren: A Humiliating Experience With A "Friend"
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Dr. Dr. Ceren,

In a previous column, you suggested we take a good look at your friends. I assume that your purpose was to see if our friend needed help, but was either ashamed or uncomfortable asking for it. Well, I ignored what I had witnessed and now I’m angry at myself and especially at my “friend.”

This person cares only for herself. She lies and uses people.

I’m a newcomer here and was starved for companionship. This woman was available for tennis, a movie, or dining out. Of course she was available, because she has no friends. I needed a friend, so I ignored her poor manners. She is very demanding of people who work for her. She reprimanded her housekeeper in front of me. She is nasty to service people which has embarrassed me. Now, she took advantage of me and lied about it. This is the last straw.

Last month we dined at a very upscale expensive restaurant and ordered a high priced bottle of wine with our meal. When the bill came, my friend feverishly fished through her purse then told me she must have forgotten to take her wallet. Naturally, I paid the check. Although, we’ve since dined together, she has made no effort to repay me. To jog her memory, I mentioned the expensive restaurant numerous times, but seemingly, it made no impression. Finally, the last time we ate together, I got up the nerve to remind her of her debt. I was shocked at her response in a public place. She shouted loudly at me and heads turned to look at our table. “I already paid you. Don’t you remember? You’re so forgetful, I don’t know how I can spend time with you. You’re a bore.” She waltzed out of the restaurant, again leaving me to pay her share.

I am very angry with this woman and with myself. I knew she was not a nice person, but because I was lonely, I ignored her bad manners. Now, I will be more careful. I’m writing this to you because we’ve discussed your column many times and I know she will read this. Do you think she will change? How shall I react if I run into her?

Lily in Carmel Valley

* * *

Dear Lily of the Valley,

I can feel your humiliation and I’m sad for your experience with a disagreeable person with whom you had tried to make a friendship. Please don’t count on her reading this column to have much effect, since most people with the behavior you describe, may not only lie to others, but to themselves as well. They will claim their behavior was justified. In order not to face the truth, they rationalize it away. I hope I am wrong and she pays you back for the two meals. Please let me know if this happens.

It was an expensive lesson for you, not only costly in terms of money, but for your self-esteem and dignity. Rest assured. The people who observed this woman’s behavior most likely felt sorry for you. The woman called attention to herself in a negative way. Shame is not in her repertoire.

You have learned that it is better to be alone than to spend time with a person such as you describe. Value your own companionship. You may try dining alone at a restaurant. There are friendly places where you can sit at a Sushi bar to order a meal and start a conversation with the person next to you. I have sat next to friendly people at Pacifica Del Mar and at Jake’s during early dining times.. Or, bring a book while you await your meal. Whenever I was the new kid in school, books were my best friends.

Base your choice of friends on mutual values. You can enjoy a tennis or bridge partner when you’re engaged in that activity, but you may learn you do not have the same values. If all you share is a common interest, you need not become real friends.

Finding true and lasting friends is difficult when you relocate to a new place as an adult. It is difficult, but not impossible. Finding friends at classes can be a good way because at least you have a common interest and share the value of learning.

When you observe that a person is unpleasant to others, expect that person to be unpleasant to you, too.

Should you run into Ms.Disagreeable, you, as a well mannered person may acknowledge her with a nod, then go about your business without any further contact..