Ask Dr. Ceren: Married, No Children
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Some time ago, a married woman in her late thirties consulted me regarding the disappointment and frustration she experienced over her infertility. She and her husband had spent much money and time to treat the problem medically, to no avail. They considered adoption, but had a close friend with a highly disturbed adopted youngster and were reluctant to take a chance, preferring to ignore reports of couples whose adopted children brought them joy. My patient wanted to learn to accept her “barren” condition and to be able to handle nosy people who rudely asked, “You’re such a nice couple, how come you don’t have kids?”

That part of her problem was easier to tackle. I suggested that when people ask a hurtful, rude question, give them a chance to re-think their question by asking one of your own: “Would you mind repeating the question?” Usually, the response will be, “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.”

If this woman and her husband were unequivocally interested in children, they could consider adoption. Licensed or accredited adoption agencies should provide medical and genetic information of potential adoptees. There is no guarantee if this couple were not infertile that heir biological children would be problem-free. An adopted child of healthy biological parents could turn out to have problems. The nature-nurture debate goes on.

The reason for wanting to have one’s own children is complicated. Perpetuation of genes to insure their immortality, to provide an heir to a family legacy, proof that one is “normal” and can produce a child, the desire to mold a child into their own image.

Over the years many couples have consulted me who have chosen not to have children. Many feel their childhood was so difficult, that they aren’t equipped psychologically to be parents, or they chose not to inflict a painful childhood on their offspring. They fear they will reproduce their own childhood.

However, when one spouse wants children and the other appears negative, or at best, ambivalent, counseling the other spouse may be helpful. Often times a person who has experienced an unhappy childhood, may learn to be a fine parent. In fact, parenthood enables them to remake their own childhood vicariously. I share incidents from my own life in which I don’t remember whether I played a certain game as a child, or played it with my children.

Other couples have high professional, career aspirations. They find a great reward in their challenging, time consuming work. With some of these couples, their careers demand frequent or long absences from home. Having a non family member raise their children is not their option.

Some couples have no interest in children. These couples find their need to nurture can be attached to gardens or pets whose needs are far less demanding than those of children. They enjoy their uninterrupted time together, their freedom. They prefer not to give up traveling, skiing, boating, or partying. They realize they would make poor parents. have a big boat, or just drinking too much and know that they may not be good as parents.

One other major group are those who would have had kids if they could but it seems like they couldn't and now they are forty and they don't want to put the time, effort and money into the process.

I wonder if this is similar to what others have found.