Ask Dr. Ceren: Why Should I Forgive Him?
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Many people find the act of forgiveness an anathema. Instead, they prefer to hold on to the pain they experienced from someone who disappointed and hurt them. They think that forgiveness requires forgetting and absolving the person of past bad behavior.

But we can view forgiveness in a different manner. Forgiveness does not have to mean that the hurtful act is erased and things will return to normal for it is impossible to deny and forget the unforgettable. You cannot nor should you forget the deception and disappointment inflicted by someone you had trusted.

The act of forgiveness is not an act of altruism. We do it for ourselves, not for the wrongdoer.

When we decide to forgive, we release all the negative emotions associated with the person who hurt us, and we choose not to allow his past actions to continue to hurt us.

The wrongdoer has taught us that we must not allow ourselves to be in a position where he is free to hurt us again.

Forgiving someone who has hurt you liberates you and returns your personal power.

To learn how to forgive, first you must try to figure out the other person's motivations in hurting you.

Put yourself in her shoes.

Does she have a history or being hurt by others? Had someone else hurt her causing her to feel she had to hit back and you were a handy target? Are you sure the act that hurt you was deliberate, intended to hurt you? Did she realize how what he did would effect you?

Could she have been motivated by revenge from something you did either intentionally or unintentionally that made her angry with you?

Is she jealous of you?

Is she mentally or physically ill?

What fears or insecurities may have motivated her?

Whether or not you can answer these questions correctly is less important than the following step you must take.

It is imperative to reiterate that being angry with this person prevents you from moving on and removes your personal power.

Once you've reached this step, you're ready to regain your power.

Write a "dead-letter" -- one you never send out.

Reproduce the following statement:

Dear (name of wrong-doer),

I think I may understand why you behaved the way you did and I am sorry you are so filled with pain that feel you must inflict it on others in order for you to feel your own power, but I will no longer allow you hurt me. I choose to let go of the pain you have inflicted on me, for my own sake. I realize that letting go of this pain does not erase, minimize, or condone your bad behavior.

To validate my own worth as a person and my right to be free from your abuse, I release all the negative emotions you have caused in me. I take back my personal power and am ready to heal and move on.

Toodle-loo, bye-bye, sayanara.
Sign your name.